Nowhere to Go

Sunset over silhouetted trees

We are beginning to adjust…

…to a new normal.

There are parts which resemble the old normal: work, e-mail, meetings, weekends where we’re all in the house, the boundless energy of a 4-year old, exhaustion, moments of joy, underdeveloped self-care habits.

But there are so many parts that are different: being home all the time with all the family, wearing the on-duty mom and worker hat all the time, being as afraid that leaving my house could lead to physical harm based from someone who is racist as from an unpredictable virus, having so much trouble focusing on simple things, staring at screens for so many hours of the day.

There is nowhere to go, but I somehow still manage to run from all the feelings (not literally, because well, I am still recovering from some type of upper respiratory infection that won’t let go from several weeks ago).

But, I cannot keep running from all the feelings.

So perhaps, with nowhere to go, I must finally be still.

Even in the midst of crisis, there will always be things to do.

But, perhaps, with nowhere to go, I must finally be still.

I have been waiting for the wave of emotions to come bursting through in the moments of stillness, as it has in the past.

But this is not the past.

It is a new normal.

One which invites me to be still, and in that stillness, find a moment of peace, a moment of refuge from all there is outside and all there is inside.

Those things will not disappear, but the stillness gives me strength to meet them. The stillness gives me breath to release them, if only for a moment. The stillness gives me grace, to stop doing and start being.

I am beginning to reclaim myself.

It is a new normal.

One where I cannot keep running.

One where I can just accept doing the best I can. Because what else is there to do?

One where overwhelming frustration and moments of pure joy balance one another out, or they don’t, but they do coexist.

One which requires faith, hope and love, on a constant basis.

One which requires rest.

Perhaps there is nowhere to go, but perhaps this is exactly the place I need to be right now.

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